Day 25: Al’s Excellent Adventure, Vancouver and Beyond:

Day 25: Al vs. Enterprise, Geico, and the State of Kentucky

Today kicked off with a riveting game show of “Explain This to Geico”, where I got to recount how a woman launched herself out of a Walgreens parking lot like a shopping cart on rollerblades, crossing all four lanes of traffic like she was in Frogger, and finally T-boning my car in the right lane. She claimed that “everyone else let her in but me.”

Lady… what parade of invisible friends are you talking about? Because there were zero witnesses, zero gaps, and zero logic.

Then it was on to Enterprise: The Saga. I called to confirm my 7:30 a.m. car rental. Enterprise said, “Yeah, about that… we have no cars.”

They gave me two numbers to nearby locations. One had nothing. The other had a compact car they described as “a bit sporty,” which is car-rental code for “hope you don’t have luggage.” Eventually, they said the airport had plenty of cars. I called to confirm, “Absolutely, we’re flush with cars!”

I arrived and got handed the keys to… a Nissan Altima. Not bad, but they called it “full size,” which is hilarious. That’s like calling a twin bed a “king if you believe in yourself.”

For once, I got the extra insurance. I never get the extra insurance. But between deer, mystery-lane invaders, and my general travel karma, I paid the extra $14.99/day for peace of mind. Thank God I did. I'm driving like I'm in a live-action National Geographic special.

I finally hit the road, not at 8 a.m., but at a leisurely 10:15 a.m, with vague ambitions of Ohio, Kentucky, maybe Illinois, who knows? Illinois is one long state when you're going north to south. After 700 miles of meh, I landed in Paducah, Kentucky at 9:15 p.m.

The drive? Boring. The highlight was a massive Jesus-sized cross on the horizon and a sky that briefly tried to impress me at sunset.

Then dusk hit, and my deer PTSD came roaring back. I saw four deer, all peacefully eating grass like extras in a Disney movie. But I wasn’t taking any chances. I tucked myself about two car-lengths behind a tractor-trailer and let him be my deer-battering ram if necessary. Sorry, buddy. I was also praying like I was trying to summon a guardian angel with high beams.

Note to self: No more night driving until I’m safely back in Tallahassee, where the roads have lights and the deer are hopefully unionized and better behaved.

Good news: I scored a very nice room and the cheapest priced of the trip. I am going to sleep like a rock in Egyptian cotton and finally be just 4.5 hours from seeing my great friends Kim and Phillip. I cannot wait.

Day 24: Al's Excellent Adventure, Vancouver and Beyond

Day 24: Al’s Excellent Adventure – Chaos, Cathedrals & Collision Courses

Today started off civilized and historic, and ended with a minor car crash and some major delusion.

I spent the morning with my buddy Dale at a private club he’s been part of for over 52 years. That’s right, he’s been a member longer than some trees have been alive. The building itself has been around since 1942, so between Dale and the structure, I was basically hanging out with living history. We took a tour, saw old photos, and I’m pretty sure I smelled cigar smoke from the 1950s still trapped in the walls.

Next, I visited St. Paul’s Cathedral in Minnesota. It was beautiful, serene, and very grand, but let’s be honest, it’s no St. Louis Cathedral. That one set the bar so high, St. Paul might need a holy ladder.

Then things took a turn literally.

On my way to the Minnehaha Falls, a woman pulled out of a Walgreens parking lot, slid into the left lane, and then decided the right lane (where I was driving) looked cozy too. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. She hit me. Instead of peaceful waterfall photos, I got police lights, paperwork, and a crash course in Minnesota traffic laws.

She insisted that “everyone else let her through.” Lady, I wasn’t “everyone else."p I was in the right lane, minding my own business, not handing out traffic passes from Walgreens. Pretty sure there’s no law requiring me to yield to someone barreling out of a pharmacy lot like it’s Mario Kart.

The cop listened to both of us. She said her piece, I said mine. It didn’t help her case that after the crash, I was ahead of her, which really raises the question: how exactly did I hit her from the front and end up in front of her? Magic? Teleportation? A wormhole?

Anyway, that car’s going back to the rental company tomorrow — thankfully it wasn’t my own ride, which is already recovering from a previous deer rendezvous. I'm starting to think cars just aren’t that into me.

To wrap up the day, Dale and I met up at Mystic Lake Casino, had dinner, and I tried my luck at roulette. I was up, then down, then sideways, kind of like the stock market and ended the night just $15 down. Honestly, after the parking lot tango earlier, that felt like a win.

Tomorrow’s plan: swap out the rental car and drive to Cincinnati. Fingers crossed that city doesn’t come with bonus bumper damage.

Day 24 Pics 2